Sunday, March 22, 2009
Monday, March 16, 2009
Monday, March 9, 2009
There are a bunch of Viking Princess pirates - they look like Pippi Longstocking with eye patches and horn-helmuts . Pippi, of course, became a business woman and started a chain of fast-food restaurants, but that has nothing to do with piracy. There were French female pirates (ooh la la!), and escaped slave women pirates and a woman named "Gunpowder Gertie , the Pirate Queen of the Kootenays" from Canada. I knew Canadians had kooties, but I waas unaware that they also carry kootenays. My favorite piratesses, though, were the renowned Mary Read and Anne Bonney, who dressed up as men and fought and drank and swore and carried parrots with the best of them. They were fierce, I tell you; Mary Read once fought a man to save her wimpy sailor lover and Anne Bonny baffled a boson (whatever that is!) by baring her bound boobies during a duel and yelling "Ha!" He was so surprised by her clever cleavage camouflage that he didn't even get a word out before she skewered him with her sword. Bad-ass! Bonney and Read found themselves on the same ship in the Caribbean; one tried to seduce the other, who happened to be married to the captain, Jack Calico, and when the first revealed her true gender, the women became lovers; that's right: lesbian pirates!! You can't beat that for box office gold, ladies and gents! (Maybe my sister is right; perhaps I am a bit overly enthusiastic about lady pirate love!) When their ship got captured they both "pleaded their bellies", and, as it turned out, they were both six months pregnant, so their lives were spared. That's right, folks! Bisexual sea-rovers, the lasses were! Really, you can't beat that!!! Aaargh! These ladies shook their pirates booties and MESSED STUFF UP! I wonder if when they washed up on islands and came down off the ship onto terra firma, people referred to them as land hos. Get it? Anyway, I think they were the scurvy scourges that Johnny Depp and Keith Richards (who, in an unrelated story, snorted the ashes of his father and then TOLD A REPORTER ALL ABOUT IT!!) were trying to be in those stupid movies.
I like these women because they reveled in who they were. They were different, and they went through hard times, but they found ways to be happy. Sure those ways included murder, pillaging, cruelty and plunder; I'm not so into that. But still they were unique and interesting, like Dorothy Parker, or Zora Neale Hurston, or Fiona Apple, or Marlena Dietrich, or Marie Curie. They changed how we thought about things, like Ayn Rand or Ethel Rosenberg or Margaret Sanger. So many women who paved the way for me to be how I am, who I am. Like I said, there's a long line of strong, opinionated ones. Happy Day Of the Women, everyone!