Saturday, April 18, 2009

Plight of the Bumblebee

I thought that I would never see
The bee fly into history
Insect both monumental and humble
The extinct instinct of the bumble
Changes forever the flower and the fruit
Effects the fate of plant and vertebrate
And the spin of the earth on her axis
Though we are unsure of exactly what the fact is
We know
That with a dying flutter
When the last buzz is uttered
When the last desiccated carcass blows onto the wind it once captained
When the coat of security we wore so carelessly becomes unfastened
We will wish that we had not been here to see
The disappearance of the bumble bee

Sunday, April 12, 2009

Happy Yeaster - A Holiday Wish For the Ladies

And yea, verily, descended from the land of Vaginium and Ovarium, the Yeastites settled in the Fertile Crescent of Labium and Fallopian. And thereat did they multiply and grow, until the Yeastites were as a strong nation, as abundant as the stars in the Heavens, and as resistant as oil is to water, Limbaugh is to logic. And wherefore the Yeastites looked at their homesteads and dwellings, they said as one, "Yea, it is good. We shall live here and prosper, and on this day shall we exalt Yeast, Our Leader; and on this day shall we proclaim to the Nation, and to our enemies the Bacterium; from this day forward, Yeast will serve as a reminder of our greatness, likened unto an itch that cannot be scratched; and you shall know, and your offspring shall know, and yea, your children's children shall know the great and enduring power and glory of Yeast: He is risen!"* Song of Organisms 22:3

Happy Yeaster, Ladies.

*Except of course for Jewish Ladies, who at this time are strictly unleavened

Sunday, April 5, 2009

Bob Loblog

Hi there, faithful reader (aka Mom)! Seems like it's been a really long time since I have posted. One would think that in all that time I would have come up with some deep, poignant, enlightening insights, but I... um... I've been busy doing lots of other stuff. Important stuff. So instead here is a series of detritus collected from the windmills of my mind. Enjoy.

Now ya see, most birds don't have penises. I don't really know how the reproduction thing works, exactly; must be flaps and slots, levers and pulleys, stuff like that, but I'm not here to give you a lesson on the birds and the bees (which, as you probably know, are mysteriously vanishing, which is driving up the price of almonds, among other things. When someone mentioned this in my pilates class, my teacher snorted, "That's ridiculous! Almonds don't grow in flowers!") As, I was saying, I'm here to talk about ducks, specifically. Duck dicks, to be even more specific (Sorry, Mom!)
The male duck, or drake, does indeed have a penis, and they can be as big as 14 inches. That's right, you heard me. (Daffy sez: It ain't braggin' if it's draggin'!) This is not altogether good news for the lady duck, which, by the way, is called a duck. I don't know why she doesn't get a special name. Anyhoo, the lady duck isn't so into her massively endowed partner because duck sex is NOT consensual. The male grabs the female's neck and forces her head under water (which doesn't seem like it would be such a big deal, but apparently it is) and then rapes her. Nature is a cruel mistress and drakes are assholes. But the lady duck has a trick or two up her sleeve- well, not up her sleeve, exactly, but up her incredibly complex and highly evolved hoo-hoo. In her Fowlopian Tubes, if you will. (Get it?) It seems that the duck vagina has these false passages that lead to no safe haven for duck sperm to dwell and thus impregnate the sweet ducklet. By contracting her muscles she is able to steer the sperm of prospective mates either to the quackless zone or the bingo bucket. She even has one canal that ends up in a corkscrew shape that sends the sperm into a swirling vortex! I forget why, but still I will tell you about it. I can't understand why Eduardo doesn't just love this stuff....


I just got back from Denver, where I had to attend a really boring convention. While I was there a blizzard whooshed in. Schools were closed, roads were closed; the convention remained open. It was 13 degrees, with a windchill factor of...well, I don't remember, but colder than 13 degrees. Nine inches of fat,wet snow blanketed the town. Giant bears that had just awakened from their winter hibernation turned blue and tried to break into huge glass houses. See the little person at the bottom of the picture? As you can see, he was TERRIFIED!

Horses, afraid of getting buried in the titanic snow drifts scrambled to the top of massive school chairs thoughtful Denverians had erected for just such occasions.

Red and gray foxes broke into peoples house to eat their food and drink their beer:

It was traumatic. I'm ok, though. Don't worry about me.
Was he a greater magician or musician? You be the judge!