Sunday, October 31, 2010

Happy Halloween and Election Day!

Ghosts are scary...

Zombies are scary...

Cerberus, devil-eyed, three-headed hound from Hell, is definitely scary...

1. Jim McMillan - The rent is too damn high, and apparently his furry, white balls are, too!
2.Christine O'Donnell - Shown here denying the possibility that masturbation relieves tension.
3. Carl Paladino - just a sweet, little, love bug, shown here reasonably considering a different point of view
4. Sarah Palin - Common sense, logic and reason personified.
Crazy, radical, violent, shrewish, mean-spirited, mad-as-hell, close-minded, misinformed-but-unconcerned, ranting, my-way-or-the-highway, wack-a-doos deciding what is good for the "real Americans" in this "nation under God" is truly frightening.

Vote. We can't just give up.

By the way, am I the only person who finds the following picture really funny?

Saturday, October 30, 2010

Enigma Returned!

So, yeah. I took a little hiatus. Didja notice? See, I've been busy. For one thing, I'm taking a writing class, and all the thinking and writing, and writing about thinking, and not writing and thinking about that has been eating away at my time. Also, it's the season when the students at school are angst-ridden and crisis-laden, so there's that. They think I'm wise, because I tell them I am, but that comes with a price; I'm always having to nod knowingly and answer their questions with still more evocative questions or meaningful quotes that I mostly have to make up real quick-like, and which I usually attribute to Martin Luther King of Jesus.
The real reason I haven't been posting is that I like it when people wonder what I'm up to. It adds to my persona of mystery and exoticism. Exoticness. Exoticnicity. Anyway, I like to remind you every once in awhile that you don't know me like that and you can't even imagine all the crazy shizz that's going on up in here, on account of I'm an enigma, and I am also magically delicious. (Bet you didn't expect me to say that, didja now!)

Here are some things I have seen lately:
This one is an army of parrots. Parrot-troopers. They are in camouflage, because they are on maneuvers. They might be terrorists, but I can't be sure. I'll keep an eye on them...
Sunset in Bluffdale, Texas.
$10,000,000,000,000,000,000,000! You don't see that every day! Unless of course if you live in Zimbabwe, where it's pretty common, on account of it's only worth about 30 U.S. dollars. By the way, I have no idea what a ten trillion dollars looks like, so I just kept typing zeros until I grew bored.
I like this picture because it looks like a painting. Or I like this painting because it looks like a picture.
I love these beetles because they have such iridescence. Not so much this particular one, because he is mortally wounded and soon will be an ex-beetle, like Pete Best, who has pretty much just faded away into obscurity. He is a fading bug on a fading leaf, trapped in a sentence that has no point, but just slowly fades away...

Who doesn't love the spotlight, right?

This last one was the start of an ugly girl fight...
Fortunately, true gnarliness was averted when the bigger one leaned over and swallowed the skinny one whole. Yum.

P.S. HEY! YOU! Don't steal my photos!

Saturday, October 23, 2010

Guest Request

And now, a timely word from political activist and concerned citizen, John White of San Angelo, Texas:

i voted today

everyone i voted for will lose

there were no local races that were even contested, all those offices are held by long time republican incumbents

where i live the democrats are right wing, the republicans are teabaggers, and the tea partiers are militia members

even though my vote is pointless from the standpoint of who will win the election i like to make my voice heard...

i hope you do to, and that you take advantage of the opportunities you have to vote whenever you can
go vote... you owe it to us....

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Saturday, October 16, 2010

And Another Thing

I am the president of the "...and another thing." Well, maybe not the president; my sister and my friend Trixie can and another thing you death, but I am at least the Ambassador to Canada of "...and another thing." For reasons unfathomable even to myself, I am basically unable to get out a complete thought, opinion or statement in just one sentence. Or one sitting. I will say something like, "I am going to Whole Foods. I need to get stuff for dinner. I'm considering spaghetti. But I always forget if you are supposed to boil the water first and then add the noodles, or the other way around. You'd think I'd know by now. And another thing - I always make too much spaghetti, and then I have to eat it for days. Why is it that no matter how much you crave spaghetti, you're pretty much over it after you've had a bowl full? And another thing I'm like that with: tacos. They're really good and all, but once I've had my fill, I am done with the taco! But you know what I'm not like that with? Those deep-fried, kind of gross, faux-cheddar cheese stuffed jalapenos that come frozen and are served in crappy dives throughout the South. Man, I love those things! I could eat a billion of them! And another thing I could eat forever: blueberries! One time, I ate so many blue berries in one sitting that..."
You get the idea. And that was just when I'm talking to myself. Fortunately, as I think I have made abundantly clear, I don't really need anyone else to uphold his/her end of the conversation in order to get me to open up. Worse still, I often forget what I've already said- there's just so much of it!- and so, maybe minutes, maybe days later, I will repeat myself. Or I'll remember the conversation, but will feel compelled to revisit it and add just one more thing.
I am trying to choose my words wisely and say less, with the hopes that what I choose to say will be more meaningful and significant, as opposed to the many, many things I utter that are trivial, uninteresting or trite. But I doubt that's going to happen.
And another thing that I am trying to cut down on is all that is whiny, high pitched or mumbled. Probably won't be too successful with that one either. You may or may not recall what happened to me when I tried to stop complaining back in Aught Nine. If you wish to review, look through the post labels on the right side of the blog and click on the ones labelled complaints or complaining. I another thinged three times before I got that one out of my system.
Anyway, the reason I'm writing about this is because I just wrote a long post about 10/10/2010, and it turns out I'm not done. I have another thing. Or two.

"Angry Ventriloquist" by Edie Brickell. Copyrighted, you dirty image thief.
These are other things that have come through my email, again used without permission:
"BTW, I love the word SEGUE. It's the ultimate F-U to sound it out." -K.E.

"You are not on Facebook." -Scott
"You could pick a totally silly fictitious name to get on FB just to spy on everyone and not tell anyone your fake name." -LSD

TO Scott, FROM me: Duh! Thanks for the update! Did you think I just forgot to sign up for the most massive, cult like, stalkerish, Big-Brother-would-be-proud social media network into which my generation has ever willingly mass-enrolled?

TO LSD, FROM me: Or, I could just call everyone and say something like, "Hey, what's up?" Since I actually know all the people I care about, it's a pretty good system...

And another thing - I saw Catfish recently. I liked it. It made me think about identity, and all the people that are wrapped inside of a single being. And another thing it made me think about: how Facebook sucks!

"One day [at the post office] there was this really skanky neighborhood girl in line in front of me. She was leaning against the government-issued clock on the wall, trying to be sexy and flirting with the young guys behind the counter. As she leaned on the clock, the wire screen protector over the clock came unhinged and loudly crashed to the floor. The startled post office guys warned her that she'd better quickly pick it up. She sheepishly replied, "I cain't...I ain't got no panties on." After I told that story at [my job] the phrase the all-purpose excuse to avoid getting out of work. I should say an all-purpose excuse, as there were many, including the very popular 'I'm too high'." -L

My dad sent me this. He's a bit of a religious scholar.

Also, another thing: My friend Jonob - not his real name, but funnier this way- sent me these outstanding Tell It In Ten additions:
On a Doomed Relationship:
Christ, I'm fucking bored. I need to get some strange.
On the Cusp of Change:
Autumn has come so fast. I barely smelled summer's sweat.

Shall we have Tell it In Ten Again? OK! We will! Writer's Challenge #5 is to sum up thoughts about the following three topics or themes:

The First Time

Nervous Habit


Another Thing

If you know me, email your submissions. If you don't know me, post in the comment box and then I'll delete them and publish them officially at a later date. Whoever you are, be sure to let me know how you would like to be credited. Come on people! Don't leave me hangin'! Get them creative juices gushin'! I shouldn't have to be the only one writing this blog, right?

I'd like to get started on it right this second, but I cain't - I ain't got no panties on.

One other thing...
Here are three stellar songs about psycho killers but that are not actually the song that is called "Psycho Killer":
WARNING: These are about psycho killers! They are creepy and disturbing! Watch at your own peril!
"Tyler" by The Toadies

"Stan" by Eminem (NOTE- This one is a little lame because it's all censored up, but still)

"Westfall" by Okkervil River (There are many live versions, but this way you can really hear the lyrics)

Two other things...
Can anyone tell me why I can no longer post these blogs in a colored font?

I know you didn't look at or like I told you to - do it! What are you waiting for? Jump on it, Tonto!!

THE END ...or is it?

Friday, October 15, 2010

For Auld Lang Syne - whatever that means!

Isn't this an interesting group of historical photos? I was fascinated! Check it out!
It's a lot of images, but it goes from elephantitis to syphilis to the Klan - where you gonna find that kind of photo without payin' extra?
Some of these images are evocative also...

Sunday, October 10, 2010

Three coins in the Fountain- and they're all dimes! Part One

In honor of the tenth day of the tenth month of 2010, here are ten things to consider:

1. In May of 2009, I offered a Writer's Challenge, in which writers were asked to explore three subjects in only ten words. I was so impressed with what they came up with, that I decided to let you revisit it here:

3. Three bands to check out: Prescott Curlywolf is a band that is now defunct, but that doesn't stop me from becoming a new fan about four years too late. Big deal, right? I first heard of them when a friend turned me on to the Damnations, which was also a great band, but also, alas, no more.
The guitar player, Rob Bernard, went on to Prescott Curlywolf, and since then I have bought up every cd I can find, and regret that I never got to see them live. Fortunately, if they are dead, they have been reincarnated, in a manner of speaking, into this new band, Mandible, that I also really want to see someday. They are from Austin, so check them out if you are in the area. Unless, of course, they are an ex-band also. It's hard to tell. Here's where you can check out some Prescott Curlywolf:
and here is a Mandible video:

So, yeah, that's only the first of the three bands I wanted to tell you about. The next is Okkerville River, also from Austin, also a band that has been around for a long time, but for me a relatively new dicovery. I love them. Will Sheff, the singer-songwriter is a poet. Each song is a story, and they are almost always tortured, which as you know, is right up my alley. They are dramatic and beautifully crafted. I searched for a video to embed, but I couldn't decide on which one; such a cool band! You should just Youtube them, or buy any of their cds. They are all good.

The last band of the three (you got a lot of extra band for your buck, right?!) is Darker My lLove. I'm not sure I like them so much. But you might. And I like their blog. I think they are clever.

4. Here are 4 random things that have come from emails people have sent me recently. I'm totally ripping them off, posting them without asking, so I'm keeping it on the DL so nobody will tell me I can't. If you see something you wrote, and you want me to remove it, or if you want credit for it, let me know.
"Good? There is no good! The world is awash in evil, pandemonium and misery. Except for me. I'm all brilliance, light, and joy."
" 'Write to bare arms.' Genius. What is the address?"
"Speaking of oo-la-la, did i ever tell you there's a sledding hill on the east side of central park that we nicknamed 'oo-la-la hill'? it's a few blocks from the lycee de francais in NYC and all the french moms brought their little ones there and chatted with each other on the top of the snowy hill as their children took turns sledding down and then trudging back up. every time a kid went down and picked up speed over a bump or swerved and didn't slow down upon reaching the stacked hay bumpers at the bottom, a mom would cry out in a kind of concerned coo, "oo la la!" so you heard things like, "oui, je pense - OOH LA LAAA! PIIIERRRE!... (petite sigh)- d'accord" every few minutes until you packed it up and pulled your sled on home over the west side hills, where the new york moms could be heard saying things like, "seriously, these snow boots were on sale, so I got the next size up for next yeuh -OH MY GAWD! REEUBENNN!...(fat sigh), anyway..."
"Don't be talkin' 'bout me when I'm not around!" (Haha! I did it again!)
5. I want to do this: The Sketchbook Project: 2011. It's so cool. If clicking on that box doesn't work, go here: . I want to do the one that is called "In 5 Minutes." I want to do my page(s), and then pass it off to someone, and then he/she passes it on, until ten people have contributed, all connected strangers, and then I want it to come back, so that I can see what it has become, and then off it goes again, until it's done. Do it with me! Come on! Do it! I'll pay for the sketchbook and I'll pay postage, to wherever.
6. Six Pics that say "So long, Summer, and Fall, you look fabulous!"
P.S. These are my pictures. Don't steal them. Consider them copyrighted, and don't be a douchebag.

Ah, the colors of autumn!
7. Seven words I have recently looked up: ONEIRIC, QUEEN, FASCIATE, QUIS (may be ok in Iphone Scrabble, but not in my dictionary!) and LOVE.
8. I ate leek and potato soup for this first time of the season! Fall is delicious!
9. Number nine...number nine...number nine...
10. 10/10/10: A good day, indeed.

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Truth, fiction...whatever!

OH MY GAWD! Check this shizz out....
Wednesday, 5th period. Last class of a long day. Students are restless, cranky, and I teach an elective academic college prep class. Do you get the oxymoronic implication here? The class is something you elect, i.e. choose, but it is academic, i.e. not fun. I have a tough row to hoe, but don't underestimate me. I am a tough ho on this row.
"Hi! How is everybody? Great! You don't need to answer me for me to know that you are great, and that's great, so, yeah...great! Guess what day it is?! Huh? I can't hear you! OK, I'll tell you! It's Current Events day! Is everyone prepared with the current events assignment? You, know, the one I assigned last Friday? Yeah, that's right! Great!"
Trayvonne pushes his chair back and looks at me seriously and meaningfully. "I gotta use it," he informs us all. He uncurls his 6"6 frame and saunters off towards the bathroom.
I take the opportunity to cajole my young academicians into a modicum of attentiveness. Just over half the class has done their homework, which is not too bad. I am a big believer that knowledge is power and that the ignorant get taken advantage of, so I really push a basic awareness of the world outside of my students' realms of interest, i.e. the world outside their pants. They settle down, get their current events summaries out, and prepare to present them to the class, which we do TMZ style.
Time passes. I go table to table, spouting off about concepts like "relevance" and "analysis" and "divergent thinking."
Diana says she likes my boots.
Trayvonne finally comes back in. He looks weirdozombiepopeyed. Perhaps I shouldn't have let him "use it". What exactly was 'it'? I forgot to ask.
"Trayvonne! Why do you look that? What's wrong with you?"
"Nuthin'. Nuthin' a-tall. This is how I always look when I see a fat white man strangle a rat."

Me: What?

Trayvonne: Look right there. A rat.
Diana: That's not a rat. It's a teacher.
Trayvonne: I know that's a teacher! Whatchu think?! I don't know the difference between a old teacher and a rat!
Viridiana: Oh, hell no! Shit! I did not sign up for this shit! Get that shit away from me! I don't need no rat shit, oh hell no!
Viridiana kicks over her chair and jumps on her desk.
Rayshundria: Oooh, Miss! One time, when I was like four, there was this rat, and my momma threw a pink spike-heel shoe at him, and that spike went right through it's eye! It's eye, Miss! Miss! Did you hear me? One time...
Me: Bai? Bai, are you ok? Don't cry! It's all right! Ty, tell Bai not to cry!
Viridiana: Oh, shit! What kind of shitty school is this! I didn't sign up for shit like this! Oh, hell no!

Jesus, Juanita and Juneda got to the hall to check it all out. They want front row seats to the spectacle. Juanita and Juneda just got back in school after being suspended for a particularly action-packed girl fight they held to see which one of them would 'be with' Jesus. Juneda won, but while she was suspended, he 'got with' Priscilla Ortez, so that's all over now, and Juanita and Juneda "are so over it" now.
Juanita: That ain't no real rat.
Juneda: That white man threw it at that gay kid. It ain't real.
Diana: Who are you calling gay?Johnny? He's my boo! Johnny's gay?

I go to check it out. I'm very brave, considering that rats are a definite possibility in my school. Big, hairy, malaria-rabies filled rats. They have been spotted before, by reputable sources, and my room is in a portable...notoriously full of cracks and holes. I may not have shared this with you before, but I'm not too fond of rats.

The white teacher they are talking about is Col. Scruggs, the ROTC commander. He affectionately calls everyone, of any race, 'maggots'. When he found out I was a vegetarian, he left a quarter pound of venison jerky that he killed, cleaned and smoked himself on my chair overnight. One time I did a unit on war and asked people to speak of their war time experiences, whether they served or not. He volunteered and told of "the best years of [his] life," the three tours he served in Viet Nam. He was a fighter pilot. He only wished he could have flown closer to the ground, so that he could get kill counts that were actual instead of estimated. He is missing some teeth and wears camouflage all the time, no matter what the occasion. He wears camo to graduation, staff development days, and once, when I saw him at the Tom Thumb, there he was, blending in with the produce.

He was gone by the time I got into the hallway and peeked around -but not in; I'm not that brave! - the boys bathroom. I went next door to talk to the teacher in the next area of the portable. We have no real doors in the portables, so we are very territorial about our areas.

I asked the teacher in the area adjacent to mine about the rat. He's from West Virginia and, I shit you not, frequently tells his students that his brother married a sister, but they split up, and now the brother is gay and the sister is a stripper. I could go on...

"Wazzup wit the rat?" Trayvonne asks politely. I didn't know he'd followed me into Area One. I'm in Area Two.

"Oh, that's not real!" Mr. Knox laughed good-naturedly. He's a very jolly redneck. "He brings these from home! It's his little prank! He does it at least once a year! Ha ha ha!"

I go back to Area Two, get Viridiana off the desk and comfort Bai. The bell rings. I guess we'll wait until Friday for Current Events.

I left school at 5:45 p.m. In the parking lot I ran into Sgt. Thomas. He thinks I'm hot. I know this, because he tells me so. Often. Relentlessly. Truth is, I don't know if he really thinks I am (but, dear reader, trust me - I really am. Totally hot. Grrr!) He just thinks this is a polite thing to say to women, especially women of a certain age.

"Ooooh, gurl," he says as I approach.
"Yeah, yeah, right. Listen, Col. Scruggs brought a fake rat into the boys bathroom, and acted like he choked it with his bare hands, and then threw it at a kid, and freaked everybody out. That kind of behavior is completely inappropriate! What is up with him?"
"Oh, yeah, gurl, that's whack. He is messed up! I could tell you some stories. We should go out some time. I'll tell you some things. I'll tell you lots of things. But seriously, check it: those rats are real. They're dead, but they're real. He catches them and skins them and then stuffs them in the boot closet in Area 12. I could tell you some stories! Say, do you want to go out right now? Where you headed, gurl? I could tell you some stories. You want to go get a drink?"

In the words of Viridiana - "Shit. I did not sign up for this shit!"

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

They don't bite, but they'll suck you dry!

Story of my life. Whatcha gonna do?
Thanks to E.D. for sending this to me!

Monday, October 4, 2010

Live, dammit, live!

Today I learned CPR, so I've been concentrating on the song "Stayin' Alive" pretty intently. When someone needs your oxygen, you have to slam it into him, forcing him to live, dammit, live, but without cracking any ribs or sternums. Easier said than done, but evidently this is key, because the instructor kept telling me to lighten up. It seems that while tiny, I am strong as the dickens, like a gnat on crystal meth. Either that, or my mannequin, who I dubbed Manny Ken, was a real wuss of a latex torso, a possibility I refuse to entertain, as I think I could have a satisfying, committed future with a rubber half-man. Come to think of it, maybe I already do. Anyhoo, you have to do 30 pulses in a given amount of time, and that time turns out to be approximately the 4/4 time of the 8 bars that come before the first chorus of the iconic song of a tightly pantsed, heavily coiffed and platform shoe sporting generation. "Stayin' Alive" not only has the proper time signature, but it's also mighty easy to remember if you are breathing life into some poor, unconscious schlub; eyes on the prize, right? It is important not to get too cocky, though; if you go with the more assured "I Will Survive," you will probably kill the hapless victim who counted on you to resuscitate him. The first part of that song is fatally slow, for melancholy affect. In that case, your love [for said hapless victim] will be like bad medicine. Even if the dude you happen to be rescuing is Jon Bon Jovi himself, and he calls out to you, "I need a respirator cause I'm runnin' out of breath/ you're like a generator wrapped in stockings and a dress*," be aware that you will surely stop his heart if you pump him full of Gloria Gaynor, glass-half-full kind of gal though she is, and, given the blaze of glory that Bon Jovi is for 80's rockers and fans of fabulous golden manes, that would truly be, as the Bee Gees poignantly moaned, a "TRAGEDY!"**
That is what I thought about today.
* Gents, this line is truly what any lady wants to hear. Chicks dig references to giant steel contraptions encased in hot lingerie, on account of that's how we like to be seen: like machines. In thongs. What's not to like? If you don't believe me, go down to your local Sack 'N Save, find a harried housewife in, say, the toilet brush aisle, and spring the line on her. I guarantee you a call for a "clean up on aisle six," if ya know what I mean! Seriously. But also, not seriously at all.
** I love this song. It has to be my hands down favorite from the brothers Gibb. And don't you think it was clever how I worked my way full circle from "Stayin' Alive" to "Tragedy" in a such a subtle manner? Kudos to me! Shall we embed? Don't mind if I do!

Hey! Is that a younger, but surprisingly grayer George Clooney on the bass? You saw it here first, folks!
Special Dork Bonus: Annequin!
Bonus for chefs: Rammequin!
Bonus just because somebody invented this: Puppequin!