Friday, February 4, 2011

Legal Retraction, Beiber Infraction

After being notified by a concerned citizen that I was treading on slanderous ice, and following exhaustive counsel with my team of legal experts, I would like to fully retract all areas of my previous post regarding Justin Bieber, especially those passages in reference to any nocturnal admissions of any female, be she chaste, of questionable morals, or of unparalleled skankitude, into any room of a hotel, motel or Holiday Inn. And also, please disregard any references to the size or dimensions of his weenus, or his alleged weenus; the truth is, I cannot state with any certitude anything about said wingwang or lack thereof, as I would not like to be construed in anyway libelous or even unkind to the boy star. Or his willie.
Furthermore, if rumors of his mafia-like,vindictive, litigious handlers turn out to be true, let me clarify; I was not even writing about the fair-haired phenom Justin Bieber! Not at all! I know that the post said that's who I was talking about, but that was just a typo. You can't sue me for not proofreading, right? Hell, I don't even bathe! I was actually talking about someone you don't know; she's not famous and not even a boy. Her name is Justine Beiber, and sometimes I just like to write about her Beiber beaver. Is that so wrong?
So anyway, what meant to say is, I have a friend who works at a hotel, and he said that Justine Beiber stayed there and hired a ho. Apparently, she was interested in a prostitute with windswept, Beiber-blown hair. Several people (may or may not have) showed up, even some celebrities (or celebrity look-alikes, or not even celebrities at all. Some of them may or may not have worked at Starbucks. I don't know, and I have no malicious intent.) Here are some pictures allegedly taken on the ho-cam at the ho-tel:

Sexy, right? I would have paid extra for any of these hirsute harlots. I especially like the one who may or may not look like a lady whose name rhymes with "Godzilla Porker-Gnomes", on account of I like how eager she is to show off her Beiber-do. Beiber-do-me-right, right?! Yeah, she wants me...I mean, she wants Justine. Anyway, according to my source, who may or may not be a figment of my imagination, Justine went for this guy, the uber-hottie Baby Boy 87 Zevran Sierra, a sim-star in his own virtual universe:
Grrrr! Baby Boy Zevran looks like a sweetie, but he's a real nasty minx! In the Smelly Pages, which is a listing of all things stanky, B.B. Ate Sev-Zev, as I like to call him, is described as "... a suave young boy with windswept hair. He had brown eyes and brows which made him looked [sic] perpetually frightened and scared." Dang y'all! How hot is that?! Sounds kind of like a man-child we all know who is comin' atcha with a new 3-D biopic, on screens in a theater near you later this month, right? But it gets better still; BB87z has an identical twin, Baby 86 Giovanni Sierra! Double my pleasure, double my fun! Can I get a discount if I double my order? (Seriously, you must check this out! I didn't know things like this really existed!

Anyway I digress. And change font. My point is: Threes of people read this blog every day, and it has been made clear to me that I should watch my virtual tongue. I do not wish to be hurtful or unkind to anyone, even if he is a star, or if he is twelve (but built like an eleven year old), or if he pays for sweet, sweet love. It's none of my business, and I don't want to perpetuate myths, lies or rumors.

But really, I have nothing better to do. I'm bored and snowed-in. So I'll probably speak ill of someone again, because I'm not really a nice person.

Please don't sue me.

And also, I don't take back anything I said about that douchebag Custer. He had it coming.


  1. i'm sad that i can't get the smelly pages where i live...

    i have to make do with the smello papers, which are conveniently delivered to my doorstoop by the teleporn company...

  2. Beiber, do me right, NOW!
    hahaha! See I told you I wasn't funny...